Queen of The Half-Asses
They say that once you’ve identified your flaws, they can no longer affect you negatively; once they’re isolated, they stand, no longer as negative traits, but as positive reinforcements towards self-growth and change. They say that the first step in the direction of change is to identify your problem, admitting to being succumbed by it in the past, and to take the necessary steps in overcoming and drowning the bastard, once and for all. My biggest issue, and one that I’ve become increasingly aware of over the last year, is my tendency to ‘half-ass’ everything in life. Literally. Sometimes I even catch myself sitting on a chair in public place with only one butt cheek resting on the seat, the other lingering mid-air, as if this would allow me an easier and quicker escape, or something of the sort.
There. I’ve identified my problem. I’ve isolated my flaw. Now my lingering right butt cheek can’t hold me back any longer… right? Hm, nothing has changed. I seem to be even half-assing this statement in my head. I guess I’m not full buttedly accepting my biggest issue, my greatest flaw, my heaviest draw-back. Why won’t my butt just rest fully on this god forsaken seat? Wouldn’t I be more comfortable that way?
Okay enough of the awkward attempt at comical symbolism. If you haven’t already guessed, my butt is really my heart, my commitment, my dedication, and the god forsaken seat is life. The urgency for a quick escape is just that: the urgency for a quick escape. Some call it commitment issues, but I call it half-assing life.
Yes, I’m a half-asser and I have been ever since grade school. I never tried, full-heartedly on anything in my life. I always just chose to get by, by the skin of my teeth, and feel some kind of exhilaration knowing that I did nothing for it, keeping up some kind of mysterious secret with myself about what I’m fully capable of achieving. I chose to not discover what I could do if I dedicated and committed myself to something – one thing – for a long period of time, I suppose, because I was afraid I might be disappointed by the result. And I never was disappointed if I did poorly because I knew that I barely deserved the C+ I got. I didn’t even have to try! Hallelujah, I’m some kind of genius!
Trouble is, this silly game of half-assing it followed me out of grade school, throughout high school, and continues to nip at my heels today. I’ve actually become a professional half-asser. If there were such a title, I would certainly be crowned “Queen of the Half-Asses.”
My mind is like a maze with various exits at each corner. My life is like a haunted house at Halloween with exits at the scariest parts, just in case the thrill seekers can’t handle the fear. And that’s what I do. When shit gets too rough, when life gets too scary, I jump ship. I exit.
In my professional life, this is the worst possible habit I could have. I’d be better off taking up smoking or casual cocaine-use. At least then, my addiction would only hold me back for several periods throughout the day, or several weeks of the year (for the latter).
Instead I have an addiction to half-assing everything, which follows me and slows me each second throughout the day. I try to run from it, and at times, I get quite far ahead of it. But this god forsaken tendency always catches up! I only wish one day, my half-assing tendency will half-ass itself and leave me alone for good. Once and for all.
But then I realize that my wishes and dreams are self-defeating because, they too, are half-assed. So my challenge remains.
How do I allow myself to commit full-heartedly, and place my entire ass of heart on this seat of life?