An Onyx Promise
Do you ever feel like you're meant to do more with your life? I know you know this feeling. I know you've felt that crawling, nagging sensation, the cortisol rising within you, screaming at you to "do something now!" while simultaneously paralyzing you with fear, ultimately leaving you feeling confused and helpless. I know you've looked at your life from time to time, perhaps more seriously around that time called your birthday when you realize you're another year older. I know you've felt the profound sadness in realizing you haven't accomplished what you'd hoped.
Or maybe you don't. Maybe you're genuinely happy, or possibly just content with your life. Maybe this is a condition placed only upon select few, ie. me, and some others I may have read of through books and met on various occasions. Maybe this is a rare phenomenon, or maybe this is something that haunts everyone - though nobody really likes to discuss it at length. It's hard to determine whether I'm just crazy, or doomed to incessant unease, or whether this is just an inherent part of the human condition.
I'll be the first to admit that I am never quite satisfied with my life. I was, last year, for an extended period of 6 months spent abroad, but since I've returned back home to Vancouver, I've had difficulty maintaining this level of life-satisfaction in the monotonous day-to-day. How can I live a normal life while carrying that in-love-with-my-life exhilaration?
I know the answers to this question, because this is just what I learned while travelling solo for some time. But in the most recent times, I have taken a few steps backwards, forgetting the profound, life-changing realizations I once saw so clearly.
You know that quote that talks about the arrow? How in order to be propelled forward, it must first be pulled back? Yeah, so... I think I'm the arrow.
And maybe, from time-to-time, we're all the arrow. Maybe in order to truly move ahead in life, you must sometimes fall back a bit, change the fast-paced, gloriousness of travel and progression, sit in one place, work your ass off, and continue persisting forward with each tiny bump which at times may feel like a ginormous failure.
For those of you who don't know, I'm working on launching my clothing line, Sutie Skirts, and honestly, the road ahead of me seems to only get longer with each step forward I take. I began this path with very little knowledge, zero educational background on the subject, and just a burning desire to create something incredible. The first Sutie Skirt ever created was worn by me, beneath the Eiffel Tower. It was something I'd created myself (a dream come true in itself) and there I was wearing it and physically living out a bucket list dream of mine to dance beneath the Eiffel Tower. (I was alone, but yes, I twirled myself in complete ecstasy).
This is when I realized for certain that dreams do come true.
And if there's anything I want most in the world, it's to replicate that feeling. To create something that will spread just that kind of self love, exploration, and true dream-conquering exhilaration to the world.
But it hasn't been easy. From sourcing fabrics to finding someone to produce my skirts to building a brand message, trudging my way through a business plan, and financing the entire project myself (while eagerly avoiding a nine-to-five), I'm sure you can imagine the near-quitting attitudes I've faced more frequently than I'd like to admit.
But, if I'm ever going to do that something "more" with my life, if I'm ever going to reach that potential I feel haunting me from within, I know I can't quit. I know I need to see it through, regardless of the time. Regardless of the risk. Regardless of the fear, and certainly regardless of my forgetfulness.
So, I decided it was time to make a promise to myself.
I took Zoltar's advice, who has somehow managed to provide me with ongoing guidance and support throughout this crazy journey that has become my life. "Onyx is made especially for you. Wear it and good luck will follow you," is what he's said to me most recently.
I rarely buy myself gifts like these, but now I'm glad I did, for each time I look down at my hand (ever-unmanicured) and see that flash of vibrant green (a color I'd never normally choose but have fallen so head-over-heels in love with) I am reminded of a promise to myself.
A promise to not give up. A promise to remember what I've learned.
And most importantly, a promise to be strong.
And I only hope you will promise yourself the same.